Dear Annie: I’m a 44-year-old autistic man living in Montana. I am happily involved with a woman who has five kids, ages 12 to 24. My question is about breaking unhealthy patterns. Growing up, my family often held grudges against me for my past mistakes, even when I’ve admitted my faults and failures. Now I find myself doing the same with my stepkids, holding onto their mistakes longer than I should.

Everyone says that because I am disabled with autism that I am a nobody. Yet I am finishing my doctorate degree in psychology. I am so confused. I’m trying to make sense of who I really am and who I want to be. How can I break that cycle? How can I stop repeating the same patterns I was raised with? — Confused in Montana

Dear Confused in Montana: First off, you are not a nobody. You’re a partner and a parent with your doctorate nearly in hand. Despite the challenges you’ve faced, you’ve overcome them, striving to be better than those who raised you, than who you were yesterday. That takes strength.

The fact that you recognize this pattern and wish to change it already says a lot. Most people can’t even do that, so kudos to you. Awareness is good; now take it a step further. When you feel yourself losing patience or holding onto your stepkids’ stumbles, remember to separate the here and now from the pain of your childhood. Your kiddos deserve the grace, compassion and acceptance you didn’t get.

You can’t change your past, but you can be the person for these kids that you never had. From the sound of it, you already are.

Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].