Goodman: For a cup of coffee, I can fix college football

This is an opinion column.

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Something Nick Saban said a few weeks ago keeps coming back to me.

It was a statement about the future of college football, and I find myself thinking about it at least once a day.

This was back before SEC Spring Meetings, which Saban didn’t attend because he’s smart, owns his own beach house and has better things to do than waste his time.

Before teeing off in the pro-am of the Regions Tradition, Alabama’s former coach was asked about his involvement with a college football commission for President Donald Trump.

Saban said he didn’t know anything about the commission, and seemed annoyed by the idea of even forming one.

What’s talking about the problem going to accomplish? Look at SEC Spring Meetings.

Like usual, it was all jive and no action — just an all-expenses-paid beach vacation for the families of SEC big shots.

“I think we all know what needs to be done,” Saban said. “I just think we got to figure out who’s got the will to do it.”

Definitely not anyone affiliated with a university, conference or TV network. All those guys are married to competing agendas.

What we need is an independent voice. Someone who’s not afraid to get creative, reimagine things and fire everybody.

Turns out, I know a guy.

Who can mend a broken world with the stroke of a pen? Who might have the courage to do what needs to be done?

Out of the goodness of my heart, I will volunteer my time to fix college football this summer. Plus, unlike all these college football do-nothings who have lined their pockets with bloated salaries, I don’t even need to be paid.

Give the players my salary. For my services, all I need is hot coffee in every SEC press box during football games.

Is that too much to ask, Auburn?

I don’t even require food for games. I can pack a lunch. Just keep the coffee coming.

We’re going to need it if college football has a chance to be fixed by the beginning of fall camp in August.

The biggest problem with college football, like Saban was saying, is that there are too many decision-makers in the room.

Actually, there are like 55 rooms and they’re all filled from the floor to the ceilings with committees and conferences and bowl games and TV contracts and NIL collectives.

It’s too much.

Time to simplify everything. Who needs democracy and checks and balances, anyway? Time to hand over all the power to one guy. That’d be me, the Supreme Dictator of College Football.

First order of business as the reigning, Saban-deputized Supreme Dictator of College Football? Blow it all up, of course, and start from scratch. Here are new the rules.

One: Players have two choices in this new world of college football, either sign a four-year scholarship or sign a four-year contract. You don’t get both. Choose wisely.

Two: National Signing Day is June 1 and runs through June 7.

Three: Free agency period runs from June 8 until June 21.

Four: Salary cap is $40 million. This is a hard cap. No going over.

Five: Realign the conferences so they make geographic sense. No more of this Cal in the ACC and Oregon in the Big Ten crapola.

Six: Notre Dame to the ACC.

Seven: Keep the rivalry games valuable. Conference champs get auto bids to a 21-team playoff. Heck, make it 24. I don’t care. Rivalries are all that should matter in college football. Everything else comes second.

Eight: The best service academy makes the College Football Playoff.

Nine: Pat McAfee is fired.

10: Five points for field goals over 50 yards and two points for a punt that lands inside an opponent’s five-yard line. My working slogan for this grand new scheme: Make Special Teams Special Again.

Stay hydrated this summer, America.

BE HEARD

Got a question for Joe? Want to get something off your chest? Send Joe an email about what’s on your mind. Let your voice be heard. Ask him anything.

Joseph Goodman is the lead sports columnist for the Alabama Media Group, and author of the book “We Want Bama: A Season of Hope and the Making of Nick Saban’s Ultimate Team.”