DEAR MISS MANNERS: When nonprofits display lists of their donors, I’ve seen couples’ names written two ways. One way puts the female name first (e.g., Joan and James Smith) and the other puts the male name first (James and Joan Smith). I was wondering if one is more proper than the other, or if there is a reason behind either method. I plan to mail some invitations to several couples for a function, and I want to know which format you would suggest I use.

GENTLE READER: People who have a marked preference for one or the other are probably influenced by conflicting traditions: namely, the common “Mr. and Mrs.” form and the “ladies first” idea.

Both are in question these days, and we have not settled on a standard.

But why need your list be standardized? You should use each couple’s preferences, if you know them. And organizations that list donors would be well-advised to add a line to their donation form, asking couples how they want to be identified.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at missmanners.com, by email to [email protected], or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.