Dear Eric: Last year, I was hit by a double tragedy – diagnosed with cancer and losing my wife suddenly. The devastation lingers, and each day presents its own challenges. Some days, the weight of grief is crushing; other days, I find solace in walks, golf and music, keeping myself occupied. These activities offer some relief, but an undercurrent of sadness persists, making everything feel insignificant.

I need guidance on how to respond to the inevitable “How are you?” without feeling disingenuous. If I were to be completely honest, I’m afraid I’d repel people, as no one wants to be around someone perpetually down. Yet, saying “I’m OK” feels like a lie. How can I acknowledge their kindness while staying true to my feelings?

– Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving: I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife and the health struggles you’re negotiating. I want to assure you that, for the sake of others’ comfort, you don’t need to feel or express anything other than what you’re feeling.

“How are you?” can often be such a calorie-less pleasantry. But when people ask you how you’re doing, meeting that kindness with authenticity is a gift. It is a gift to be able to be emotionally present with another person.

Some people may not be equipped to handle authenticity, but that’s not on you. That’s on them. I’d like you to ask yourself something: if you’re performing “being OK,” who is that performance for? If it doesn’t help you to cope, to heal, to grieve, then it’s not a performance worth giving right now.

You don’t harm anyone else by saying “I have good days and bad days” or saying “I’m really struggling right now. Thank you for asking.” People’s responses will vary. Some may be able to hold it and express compassion. Some people may get uncomfortable. Again, that’s not about you. It’s often about their own inability to be present with pain. You aren’t your worst day. But you’re worthy of being heard when you’re in your worst day, or even a day that’s just OK.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.