Dear Eric: I married for a second time 21 years ago after an unpleasant divorce. My spouse “James” is a good guy. People really like him, but I am quietly having a hard time liking him at all these days.

Over the years, he developed a bad habit of stockpiling anything and everything all over the house and yard. I didn’t say much at first, but the past few years his cluttering has gotten much worse. James refuses to discuss my feelings or look for a compromise. He gets visibly upset when I talk about the mess as if the stuff is more important to him than I am.

I am simmering with resentment just below the surface. Can this be resolved short of me admitting I made a bad choice a second time?

– Stalemate

Dear Stalemate: Resolution is absolutely possible, but it’s going to require both of you to be a little more vulnerable. It’s very likely that James feels self-consciousness or even shame about the stockpiling. Shame has the tendency to shut down conversational pathways, making every little comment about The Big Thing.

Similarly, if every errant piece of clutter is immediately prompting you to wonder if your entire 21-year marriage was a mistake, it’s hard to have a non-charged conversation. Despite your efforts, your resentment may not be as below the surface as you think.

There are some questions you should ask yourself and some you should discuss as a unit. You write that you’re having a hard time liking him lately. Is it about the clutter or does the clutter represent something bigger about his personality that you don’t like? Do you want to like him?

As a unit, can you both agree that there is something in your relationship that isn’t working the way you want it to? What’s important is finding a mutual understanding about the state of things without placing blame or getting caught in details. From there, you can ask each other, “do we want things to be different?”

That’s a great place to begin work with a couple’s therapist. If that isn’t an option for you, you can also establish more productive ways of talking to each other, like using “I” statements, avoiding “you always,” allowing conversational time outs, and assuming the best of each other as you work to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.